We are Jon and Lita VerHagen. We met and began dating while attending the same Christian high school. After graduating from high school, we attended the same Christian college. It was in college that we KNEW we were going to marry each other. This was more than just dating—it was preparation for marriage. We began studying marriage together. We read books about marriage. We took every pre-marital counseling opportunity that came our way, and were surprised by how many opportunities there actually were.
After graduating from college, we married as virgins. Even though we had dated for seven years prior to getting married and thought we knew everything about each other, we quickly realized that we had married strangers. After all of our preparation, we didn’t know how to be married to each other, and we knew nothing about how to have an enjoyable, fulfilling sex life. So we studied more and practiced. We read books on marriage and books about having a great sex life. We sought out the wise counsel of others. And we practiced—lots and lots of practice.
We have now been married for over 25 years. We have a deep love for Jesus and each other. We love the Reformed tradition of the Christian faith and are members of the Christian Reformed Church in North America. Our faith has everything to do with our marriage and our sex life.
It is our sincere hope that this blog is useful in helping you move towards better intimacy in your Christian marriage. This blog is meant for married couples. Please read the blog together. Complete the exercises together. Discuss the talking points—together. And ENJOY each other.
Sex is not something that gets talked about a lot in church, certainly not in the churches we attended. Often, any mention of sex was in group settings and involved prohibition—things you could NOT do that involved sex. “Thou shalt not commit adultery” was recited each Sunday in church as part of the reading of the 10 commandments. “Church” conversations about sex beyond not committing adultery only took place during pre-marital counseling. Why don’t we talk about sex in church?
We are going to be writing about sex—healthy, exciting sex in the context of marriage. We are going to celebrate sex as a gift of God. Scripture confirms that sex IS a gift from God—a wonderful celebration from our loving, generous Creator, designed for us for our good. Sex was His plan, His idea, and His gift to us.
As we go, we are going to give you talking points—questions for you to answer and topics to discuss together as a couple. We encourage you to take time to read each post and talk about it with each other.
Talking Point: Think about your sex life. How does God’s gift of sex benefit your marriage experience?
As part of our pre-marital counseling, our pastor and his wife gave us a book to read—The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Dr. Tim and Beverly LaHaye. We were told to read the book and then they would discuss it with us. Did you catch that? They would DISCUSS it with us. For the first time, someone had offered to discuss our future sexual relationship. AND there was a book written for Christian couples to help them ENJOY a sexual relationship. Wow! We, who married as virgins, knew so little about sex. No one spoke about sex—not at home, not at church, not at school. But now, someone was going to talk to us about sex.
Oh, we read the book! Of the five books we were required to read in our pre-marital counseling, this book was read quickly from cover to cover. We naughtily read both chapters “For Men Only” and “For Women Only” even though we were not supposed to read the other. The book got quite specific about what could happen in the bedroom. It provided a lot of intimate information with detailed instructions, yet was always speaking about this physical relationship in connection with God. Scripture was used throughout the book. The Song of Songs was quoted often. The authors also quoted other books written on the subject. This introduced us to books written by Christian authors Dr. Ed Wheat and Dr. Herbert Miles. We soaked it up, and read everything we could. We started to have conversations about sex, and looked forward to our wedding day even more.
Inside the front cover, they wrote us a note that ended with the phrase “Call us anytime.” Ew! Why would we EVER call them about sex? He was a pastor, and she the pastor’s wife. What could they possibly teach us about sex? More on that later.
Today’s Talking Point: What were you taught about sex as part of your preparation for marriage? Were you asked to read any books? Did you have open, honest discussions with anyone? What did you wish someone had told you about sex before you got married?
For us, sex wasn’t talked about at school—at least not with adults. There were occasional moments at school, but those moments always involved blushed faces from adults and students. At the Christian elementary school that Jon attended, the 5th grade girls all got pulled out of class one day for an hour while the boys worked on their homework. The boys were never told why the girls had to have a separate class.
When the class was over, the girls left with small white bags in their hands, which they quickly shoved into their backpacks, hoping no one had noticed. When asked what the course was about and what was in their bags, the girls would all respond the same way. “We have been told not to tell you what our class was about.” This left the boys to make up their own ideas of what the girls were being taught. We knew it was about their changing bodies, only because one girl hadn’t memorized the script when asked what their lesson was about. When 11-year old boys get to guess what the girls were taught, imaginations go wild. The whole situation created lots of questions for the boys who had no one to ask except each other. What changes are happening to the girls’ bodies? Do boys’ bodies NOT change? Why was no one talking to us?
Today’s Talking Point: Have a conversation as a couple about how you were taught about your changing bodies. Were you taught at all? What was discussed at school? Who was your “teacher” about your “human growth and development”?
In the Christian high school where we met and began dating, Biology class was an opportunity to snicker about sex. Sophomore year—Chapter 16—Human Reproduction, the lore passed down from sophomore class to sophomore class. Everyone knew that Chapter 16 in Biology was when you talked about sex at school. Only it turned out to be very disappointing. The discussion was clinical. Even though our teacher used words that were titillating (like penis, vagina, and semen), it wasn’t REALLY about sex, at least not the way we thought it was going to be talked about. He never taught us anything we didn’t already know from our friends, except clinical information. The most interesting part was the diagrams of the male and female bodies in the textbook. Even these turned out to be a bore because we were later tested on our ability to properly name the parts of the human reproductive organs.
There was another class at our high school that spoke about sex: Family Life and Development. This class addressed sex in the context of a Christian marriage, but only as a means of bearing children, never in the context of a couple experiencing pleasure and intimacy. We didn’t expect much. It was taught by a middle-aged SINGLE woman who had no children of her own. She said some crazy things about how couples get pregnant. (She told us that frottage could result in pregnancy.) It was meant to SCARE us from having sex. It worked for us.
Today’s Talking Point: Discuss what you were taught about sex in high school (by adults). Was human reproduction addressed in science classes? Was it discussed in mixed gender settings? Talk with each other about what you were feeling as this topic was discussed. At the time, what did you feel about it?
We can all probably agree that sex was created and intended by God. Adam and Eve didn’t figure something out while hiding in the bushes, and come to God with red faces, only to surprise Him with the revelation that their bodies fit together in the most interesting and enjoyable way. Of course God knew this. He made them this way.
While we recognize sex as something God intended (how else could we procreate, as God commanded?), we don’t always enjoy the gift of sex as God intended. We live in a society where sex seems to be everywhere. Most of this worldly portrayal of sex has nothing to do with God’s plan for sex in a Christian marriage. Worse yet, society also likes to define sex in Christian marriages as rare, stale, and always in the position appropriately called “missionary.” Of course, much of the history of sexual thought in Christianity hasn’t helped (ever read Jerome’s or Augustine’s views on sex?). As a result, too many of us think that God’s plan for sex is puritanical, and worst of all, boring.
How the world views sex is probably not going to change soon. But as Christians, we can rethink our expectations for sex in our marriage, and redefine sex to fit into God’s framework–a framework that is NOT puritanical and is NOT boring. God’s framework for sex within the context of marriage gives us the freedom to explore each other’s bodies, to figure out what brings the other pleasure, and to talk about our physical relationship. God’s framework for sex allows us to be VERY sexual, and to enjoy sex immensely. God’s framework allows us to participate in sex with our spouse in an uninhibited, unashamed way. God’s framework for sex means that we can be creative in the bedroom, and we can practice, practice, practice making love. God DID design our bodies to fit perfectly together. God placed our nerve endings just where they needed to be for maximum sexual enjoyment. God created sex for us to enjoy.
Because of this, we are confident that the best sex happens in a Christian marriage. Throw off the world’s definition of what Christian sex is like. Enjoy, married people! Enjoy!
Today’s Talking Point: What impact has society’s view of sex had on your physical relationship? Have you ever felt that your faith in Jesus put a damper on the sexual relationship you could enjoy with each other? How could you work together to ensure that neither society’s nor church history’s views of married sex impact your marriage?
According to Time magazine, married couples in the United States have sex 54 times a year on average. The frequency of sex depends upon the age of the couple, but 54 times is the average. That is a little more than once per week. The thing we found interesting about the Time article is that the amount of sex people is having is dropping. A November, 2017 study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior shows that people are having sex fewer times in the 2010s than couples had in the 2000s (9 fewer times a year), which was a drop from the 1990s. These declines in sexual frequency were similar across gender, race, region, educational level, and work status.
Have you ever heard how miners used canaries in coal mines? Miners took canaries, the small songbirds, into the mines with them. They used the canaries as an early warning system. Toxic gases such as carbon monoxide and methane could build up in the mines. Because the canaries were smaller than the miners, the buildup of these gases would affect the canaries first. Signs of distress from the birds told the miners that conditions in the mine were unsafe.
Think about those statistics and the decline in the frequency in which married couples have sex. Those statistics serves as a canary in the coalmine. Researchers don’t yet know exactly why people are having less sex than they did in generations past, but this information is serving as an early warning system.
Research shows that sex offers benefits through exercise, an increase of oxytocin levels and intimacy, and a decrease in mental health symptoms. He created us to be sexual creatures and then gave us lots of benefits for participating in a REALLY good time.
So, if sexual frequency can be linked to better health (a slimmer waistline, a stronger heart, a lower risk for some types of cancer), a better mood (a decrease in depression), and more intimacy between married couples, then a decrease in frequency could be a problem.
As a couple, take note of your sexual frequency. What is a normal frequency for you? (This number is a more important number than the statistics listed above). Write that number down in your Romance Journal. Now have a more difficult conversation. What frequency will be your canary in the coalmine? Determine together a frequency that might be a signal of danger in your relationship, sort of an “intimacy” thermometer.
Today’s Talking Point: Discuss how frequently you have sex. Are you making love more or less often than the average number for American married couples? Does it matter if your number is more or less than the average if you are satisfied with your number? What frequency of sex would serve as your “canary in the coal mine?” Determine this number together. Write your canary number in your Romance Journal. Discuss what you will do if your frequency ever drops below your “canary number.”
Genesis 2 gives us a number of “essentials” about the marriage bond. It is in Genesis 2 that we learn that marriage is between one man and one woman, that a couple’s priority becomes meeting the needs of the other, and that marriage is supposed to be permanent and exclusive. Genesis 2 also shows us that a husband and wife are to become “one flesh.” This speaks of a special bond. Becoming one flesh suggests a God-honoring intimacy in all areas of your relationship—emotionally, spiritually, and sexually.
We also read in Genesis 2 that Adam and Eve
were naked and unashamed (verse 25).
This is a beautiful expression of pure intimacy. They were naked AND unashamed. They had nothing to hide from each other—nothing
to hide physically, emotionally, spiritually, or mentally. They were not embarrassed or ashamed in each
other’s presence. This helps us to know
that the gift of sex was meant to be experienced without fear, shame, or regret
and is both good and beautiful.
Sometimes, though, this kind of unashamed intimacy is difficult. We may have a past hurt or loss that has deeply damaged us. We live in an impure world where we are judged negatively on our appearance. We don’t live up to the “ideal” descriptions of beauty and masculinity. Insecurities about failing to measure up abound. We live in a culture that puts a lot of emphasis on the possibility of being naked, and then suggests that you will be disappointing when you are. All of this raises all kinds of vulnerabilities.
And there are real questions to wrestle with. Is it safe to be so vulnerable with another person that you would be naked AND unashamed? How can two people who are so different from each other achieve intimacy? Is it possible to be fully known by someone and still be fully loved? For some, this might also include questions about trusting again after being deeply hurt.
Yet, we read that Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed. The word “ashamed” relates to having a painful feeling or emotional distress. Isn’t it beautiful that Adam and Eve had no sin or social mistakes that made them ashamed to be around each other? They stood completely naked in the other’s presence, yet they had no fear or anxiety, no worries of a possibility that the other would exploit them. They stood sinless and guiltless with no indignity. This is a picture of people without sin.
There is good news. You are already known and loved by God when you are in Christ. Because of the finished work of Christ, you can stand before God unashamed. And you can love each other with the same relentless vulnerability, grace and devotion that you have experienced in Christ. In order for you and your spouse to be naked and unashamed before each other, there has to be a safe vulnerability, a judgment-free zone in your marriage. Your spouse desires to be vulnerable with you, trusting who and what they are, with all of their flaws, to you. Be worthy of that trust. Treasure and accept your spouse so that they can be naked and unashamed in front of you. Help them to know you find them attractive no matter what they look like naked, no matter who and what they are.
Today’s Talking Point: How closely does your marriage reflect Adam and Eve’s relationship in the garden? Do you try to meet your spouse’s desire for shame-free intimacy on all levels? Discuss ways that you could experience a higher level of being naked and unashamed. Repent of any past mistakes that made your spouse feel ashamed or inferior.
We try to make sure that our children are connected to good quality literature that is appropriate for their age level. One of our family favorites is Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech. The book won the Newbery Medal in 1995—a prize that symbolizes the greatest contribution to American literature for children in that year.
We won’t go into the full plot of the book here, but there is one part of the book we like that is related to marital intimacy. The main character, a girl called Sal, is driven across the country by her Gramps and Gram Hiddle to visit her mother’s grave in Idaho. This results in them having to spend the night in motels as they travel. Every time they go to bed in the evening, Gramps says, “This ain’t our marriage bed, but it will do.” It brings a chuckle each time he says it. At one point in the story it is especially poignant as Gramps climbs into Gram’s hospital bed with her and says, “This ain’t our marriage bed, but it will do.” It is sad, when after Gram passes away, Gramps goes to lay in a strange bed for the first time without his beloved wife, and Sal has to finish the sentence because Gramps can’t make it all the way through.
The actual marriage bed is at the grandparents’ house in Bybanks, Kentucky. The couple slept in the bed since the first day they were married. The bed used to belong to Gramps’ parents, and Gramps was actually born in that bed. Their “marriage bed” is full of history and is used as a symbol in the book. It represents the deep, abiding love and devotion Gramps and Gram have for each other. It symbolizes the love that was developed and grew over years and years. No matter where they are, whenever they are NOT sleeping in their marriage bed, Gramps recites the saying, “This ain’t our marriage bed, but it will do.” This helps them bring their marriage bed with them in their minds. No matter what happens, their marriage bed connects them and reminds them of their love for each other.
What do you think about how Gramps and Gram talk and think about their marriage bed? What does your marriage bed mean to the two of you? What could you learn from the symbolism the bed is for them? What do you do to protect the importance of your marriage bed?
As you become more intentional about talking as a couple about your sex life, here are some questions to keep before you and periodically answer together. Being intentional with these questions should help you build intimacy in your marriage.
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